9.25.2009

Hacking Into The Outdoors

Me: "She's probably going to be pissed when she finds out."

Grandma: "Well, turn about is fair play. It's not like you haven't been mad at her."

I love you, Grandma. A spade is a spade and you call 'em like you see 'em.

Now for a Public Service Announcement:

Attention all nature lovers, outdoor enthusiasts, sportsmen and women! My mother, my dog, and I will be hacking into your sanctuary this weekend. We will be plugging ourselves in for a couple of days. As all good posers, wannabe's, fakers, hackers..take your pick..are already quite aware, appearances are everything when it comes to being someone you are not. We are no different. We will be arriving tricked out in my brother's Jeep, setting up camp in a tent borrowed from my sister, and drinking beer from a can (the latter of which we are already quite accustomed to). Don't fear. We have already practiced putting up our tent so as not to offend you. We have practiced lighting our camp stove as precaution against setting the campground aflame. My brother has instructed us in the fine art of raising and lowering the Jeep top.

Whatever you do, DON'T PANIC! We come in peace. We come seeking peace. We heard you had some of it. We'd like to get our hands on a little piece of it. Just a little piece of your peace, if you will. You won't even know we're there. You'll think we're one of you. And why not? Our gear is top notch with just a touch of weathered for authenticity. We will look as if we belong. Probably, you'll be asking us for tips before the weekend is over.

"Help! I've been bitten by a snake!"

"Relax, sir. My mother will suck the venom out while I get the first-aid kit. Before we apply the ointment, my dog will piss on the wound to kill the surface bacteria."

"Wait...what? Your dog will do what?"

"Piss on the wound, numbnuts. This ain't our first rodeo. Wanna beer? It might take mom a while to get that venom out. Her lungs ain't what they used to be."

So, sit back. Relax. Watch the professionals at play.

We don't know shit but you'll never be able to tell. Just ask any top executive in any firm in America. God Bless the USA. It's the American way.

Safe Travels and Happy Camping!

P.S. We plan to wear our special t-shirts bought specifically for the occasion. Mine: Smile, Tomorrow Will Be Worse. Mom's: Reality Continues To Ruin My Life. And we plan to wear the all weekend.

Cheers!

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