A Dignified Queen, I Am Not

Every single day I think of you and every single day I think of some different thing I did or didn't do while we were together that made you think "hmmm, you know what?  FUCK THIS."

Because obviously it was a big Fuck This from you.

Right?

What's that stupid shit they love to throw around all over Reddit?

If it's not a HELL YES it's a HELL NO.

I guess it wasn't a HELL YES for you then.

I go back and forth between being sad and heartbroken to angry and confused.  I don't know which place I'm supposed to dwell in until I don't think about you anymore because I've stopped caring one way or the other if I was a HELL YES or a FUCK THIS.

I want to ask you how come you couldn't love me but I don't dare because that is considered weak and pathetic and I'm supposed to know that I'm a QUEEN who doesn't need answers because obviously it's your loss only and 

this one is my absolute favorite:  IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU.  

But also, there's this thing called DIGNITY and apparently I'm supposed to want to possess it and therefore can not go flailing about all out of control (who makes these fucking rules!) because that will look bad to the person who broke my heart (you) and I am supposed to want them to RESPECT me later on down the road when they're with someone who is NOT ME!

DIGNITY!

Have some motherfucking dignity, Stephanie.  Make her your bitch  and walk around town with her tattooed across your forehead so everyone will know that when your heart breaks in half you do not fall down or even stumble.  

Why?  

BECAUSE YOU ARE DIGNIFIED! 
AND A QUEEN!  

And when that man asked you to take your final bow for him, you curtsied all the way across the stage like the good little girl you've always been and let him go gently into that good night, back from whence he came.  

Good Day, SIR.

That's how someone with DIGNITY behaves when her heart shatters. 

 

What a load of absolute molasses!!!

 

But, Stephanie! TWENTY SEVEN people on this one post on the internet said it's true and there was also an article on Medium written by an accountant who almost majored in psychology but didn't and she said it was true too.  Plus, there's this sad old woman who writes this pathetic blog about how much she loves all the men who don't love her and she said it's true too....

Wait....

No, she didn't.  

She definitely didn't say it was true.

She says all the things that no one really wants to hear because we've all convinced ourselves that we are gods and goddesses and anyone who thinks otherwise was simply just too dull to bathe in the beauty of our light so they need to GET GONE.  We have bigger fish to fry than to worry about a thing like self-reflection.  FUCK THAT.  The only person who needs to do any kind of self-reflecting is the absolute moron who could have possibly taken a pass on you, Queen.  There is obviously something wrong with him.

It's not you, Stephanie.  Of course it isn't you.  

He only thought you were amazing for a whole year before he met you in person.

Do you think it was your chin?  Or  that you wore too many clothes?  Maybe you should have let your titties hang out more?

But seriously.

What the fuck did I really think was going to go down when you met me?  I mean, the week before you said "This feels more like a dead end than a new beginning because it would be an insurmountable challenge for you to move to Corn City and I don't want to move to Loserville so....."

I will tell you what I thought.  Honestly and Sincerely.  From the bottom of my overflowing heart.

I really and truly thought we'd fall madly in love.

Or, at the very least, we'd like each other so much that we'd want to see each other again.

That's what I thought.

FUCK ME SIXTEEN WAYS TO FOREVER, I never imagined it would be a one and done.  Totally did not see that freight train barreling right on through the station.  I guess I was too busy looking at you and laughing when we stared at that map of Mobile on the wall of that little house we stayed in.

 

I was really hoping I'd see you again sometime....

 

I'd give you back my whole heart if I could rewind time to that day in October when you left your apartment up there to drive down here.  I wish when you locked your door behind you, you were just on your way to the market and not on your way to me.  Then your name would still light up my phone and your voice would still be in my head.

 

I miss you.

 

I hope 2021 is everything you need it to be.