Eli's Timeline

I told Eli goodbye yesterday morning at 10:40 a.m.  I can't believe he's gone.  I feel so lost without him.  I feel as though a part of me is gone now, too.   He was a big part of who I was for so long.  And he's gone.  Just gone.

He would have turned 11 in February.  We had 10 good years together so I guess that's saying something, huh?  Still.  I didn't want to let him go.  I wish I didn't have to let him go.  He was starting to get down in his hips last summer.  His hind legs would lock up occasionally and he would be going around in circles, unable to straighten them out.  So, I took him to the vet.  Arthritis.  Dr. Steudeman gave him a steroid shot and sent him on his way.   The shot was great and Elijah did well for a long time.  Until about March of this year.  He started having trouble getting up and down or going down stairs.  Plus, we'd started to notice a lump in his chest.  It wasn't very big and not even really noticeable unless you pointed it out or knew it was there.  So, back to the vet we go.  He gets another shot.  Dr. Steudeman says we can start giving him the shot every 3 months or so to keep him comfortable.  While we're there, I point out the lump to Dr. Steudeman.  He had not noticed it until I told him about it and was visibly taken aback by it.  It was about the size of a golf ball.  Right in the center of his chest.  He wants us to come back and have Dr. Bussey biopsy it to rule out cancer and maybe figure out what it could be.  We take him back a week later and she does the needle aspiration but all she gets back is blood.  She doesn't think it is cancer.  She doesn't know what it is.  From the x-rays she took, she can tell that it is not attached to any of his vital organs so that's a good sign.  We are sent home and told to watch it.  This was the end of March.

By June, when it's time for another shot, the "tumor" is as large as a basketball.  Dr. Bussey gives him another shot for his arthritis but doesn't know what the tumor could be.  As long as it is not  impairing his mobility or having an effect on his quality of life, we are told to just watch and see.  Of course, she does offer to give us a referral to a veterinarian in Birmingham.  She also says he can start taking the shot once a month.  That there's no need to wait every 3 months.  If it helps him and gives him quality of life, it can't harm him since he's already so old.  She also prescribes him Tramadol.  Two pills twice a day as needed.

The tumor has grown so large that Elijah is having a hard time lying down.  He can no longer lie on his side without literally throwing his head against the floor.  When he does lie on his side, the arm that's on top is so far in the air because of the tumor.  It is hilarious and sad all at the same time.  His arthritis got so bad in June that we didn't even make it a whole 3 weeks between shots.  The week mom went to visit Stacy and Scott in Arkansas, he went down fast and hard.  Literally, he was fine Tuesday and by Wednesday, he could not walk.  He was unable to grip and his feet would slide out from underneath him if he tried to walk.  That's if he could even get up.  He stopped eating and drinking.  All he wanted to do was lay on his dog bed and not move.  I brought water to him and cooked him chicken and rice with mushroom soup.  He ate it sitting on his dog bed.  He couldn't even make it to his food bowl.  He began to drool incessantly, also.  He didn't go outside all day Wednesday.   I tried to find every throw rug in the house to make paths for him to walk on.  We had to block the kitchen off completely.  Thursday morning, I was up at 4 a.m. because I had to be at work at five.  I heard this loud thud in the kitchen.  Eli was trying to get to the back door and had fallen on the kitchen floor.  I wrapped my arms underneath his belly to help him stand.  It was like ice skating for him on the kitchen floor.  That afternoon, I took him back to the vet.  Somehow we made it out the house, down the steps and into the car.  He could barely move.  I don't know how he did it, honestly.  It was gut wrenching.  I left him in the car while I went in.  I wasn't about to make him move if he didn't have to.  Of course, as soon as Dr. Steudeman walks into the room, I burst into tears.  I tell him that Eli went down yesterday and he can barely move.  He's not eating.  The tumor is so freaking huge.  I don't know what to do.  I am sobbing.  Dr. Steudeman says it's time to think about letting him go and I'm like....what!?  He was ok two days ago.  He says I should do it as soon as possible.  I'm like...well it won't be today.   I can't make that decision right now.  He says to prepare for Saturday and if I have access to a truck, they can come outside and do it.  Eli won't have to get up or go inside or anything.  I'm like ok.  Let me wrap my head around this.  I ask him if he can get another shot because they really seem to help.  He says he doesn't see why not.  At this point, even though it's only been 3 weeks between shots, it can't possibly hurt him.  So, Dr. Steudeman gets the shot ready and comes out to the car to give it to him in his rump.  He walks around to the other side of the car to take a look at the tumor.  Elijah has long tendrils of drool hanging down both sides of his mouth.  You can tell he is miserable.  We go home.  I go to the store and stock up on wet dog food to try and entice him to eat. I bring his meals to him on his dog bed and his water, too.  Max has one of those foam alphabet mats that I never really put down in his room.  I get it out of the closet.  It is perfect for Eli to walk on.  I spread it out on the porch for him to walk over on his way down the steps.  The steps are concrete so he does pretty well on those.  He sways some when he gets up.  Just getting up itself is a process.  He stretches both legs out in front of him and uses them to ease himself up.  Lying down, he does the same thing.  He slowly lowers himself to the floor.   By Friday, his left leg is starting to swell.  I sit beside him and flex his leg for him to try to get some of the fluid moving along.  It is obvious he's retaining fluid due to lack of use.  At least, that's what I think.  But I don't really know.  I just feel like I am helping somehow by mimicking the movement his leg would be making if he were walking.

Fast forward to Saturday night and Eli has somehow bounced back.  Back to eating and drinking and wanting to go outside.  I am elated and confused all at the same time.  Nathan says it must be comparable to people with arthritis.  That they go through spells where their arthritis is really bad and then it gets better.  Maybe he was just having a really bad spell.  I am overjoyed so, of course, I don't take him to  the vet on Saturday to have him put to sleep.  I see Dr. Steudeman about a week later and tell him Eli is feeling better.  He is pleased.

By July, I feel like we have the arthritis under control with the the monthly shots and the Tramadol.  He is comfortable and still living a quality life.  We are rocking along.  The tumor, though.  THE TUMOR!  Good god the tumor.  It is massive.  And in his way. It is rubbing against his leg and the floor every time he gets up or down.  The rubbing causes a tear in the skin which, in turn, lets fluid seep out.  The tear gets bigger and more fluid is seeping out.  We are constantly going behind him and wiping up fluid.  It is pretty gross and phenomenal.  Finally, a spot starts to open up on the front of the tumor and he begins seeping fluid from there.  It's almost as if the tumor got so large it burst through the skin.  We go back to the vet and they keep him there for a couple of hours.  Finally, she calls me to come get him and says they have decided to go in and do surgery to remove as much of the tumor as they can and close the wound.  Debridement - that's what she called it.  It should also be noted that the tumor, which was the size of a basketball easily, has now shrunk down to the size of a kickball or smaller due to the fluid coming out.  And the smell.  Good night.  The smell is of decaying flesh.  It is really quite awful.  I am optimistic about the surgery.  Super excited.  We are sent home to do antibiotics for a week prior to the surgery.   From Tuesday, July 22 to Wednesday, July 30, he took two pills twice a day.  On July 30, I took him in at 8:30 for the surgery.  I cried like a baby because there was a possibility he would die on the operating table due to his age.  They assured me they would take good care of him.

I called to check on him around 4 or 4:30 that afternoon.  They had just taken him back and were still in surgery.  Finally, around 5:30 or 6, the office called me and said he was waking up and he did great.  He would probably get to come home the next day.  Woo hoo!  I was ecstatic!  I could not wait to see my guy without that tumor on his chest.  It felt like an eternity that he had to suffer through that.  The next day, July 31, after work, I went to pick the old guy up.  Let me tell you...when I saw him come down the hall for the first time with no bandage and tumor free....I was overcome with gratitude and awe.  He looked 10 years younger.   His eyes were clear and worry free.  He was beautiful.  They took him to one of the rooms and bandaged him up in figure eights across his chest and under his legs.  There was quite a large open would on the underside of his chest that wasn't visible unless you looked underneath him.  For that reason, though, it had to stay bandaged.  We went home on Thursday afternoon and were told to come back on Monday to take the staples out and rebandage him.  He does well through the weekend.  The bandage is holding up and he is not messing with it too bad.

On Monday, August 4, Nathan takes him in for the staple removal.  He gets a new bandage.  Somehow this bandage is not as secure as the on from Thursday and by Tuesday, we are back at the vet.  She takes a look at it and seems to think there is a bit of regrowth from the tumor but nothing to worry about yet.  She rebandages him and then asks us if we feel comfortable doing it at home.  If we can, we don't need to come back for at least 10 days.  We agree.  She shows us how to take a towel and then the pads.  We are to spray something on the pad and add a powder to it.  Take the powder and try to get it inside the wound.  We are to also spray the stuff directly on the wound.  How often do we need to change the bandage?  Hopefully, he will keep it on for several days before it needs to be dressed again.  We are given a cone for him to wear.  Ok.  Well, by Wednesday, he already needs a new bandage.  Overnight, he has managed to get out of his cone and lick at it and tear it open so when I come downstairs Wednesday morning, it is hanging from his chest.  His tongue is just a wagging and I'm pretty sure he has eaten the bandage.  I get Max to daycare and go to work because I don't have time to change the bandage.  I leave work around 8:30ish to go take care of it.  It is pretty disgusting but it's only noticeable if you look underneath his belly.  He has stitches on the side of his chest and a large gaping would underneath where she didn't have enough skin to really pull it back together.  Over time, new skin will grow.  The goal right now is to have the would somewhat dry up.  I am pretty proud of my first wrap!  never thought I would have been able to stomach it but......LOVE.

This continues for several days.  We develop a routine.  Every night, Eli manages to get out of his cone and tear through his bandage.  Every afternoon, I come home and change it.  Instead of  getting several days out of one bandage, we are changing it everyday.  By Friday, August 8, I am already out of all the free wrap and tape she supplied me with on Tuesday.  I stop by the vet on the way home from work that day and pick up some elasticon (this stuff is awesome!) and she asks me how the wound looks.  I tell her I don't really have a frame of reference since I didn't see it when it was first done but it was looking good to me?  She asked if it seemed to be drying up and it did so I told her so.

By Sunday, August 10, I have FINALLY perfected the cone.  I know how to secure it tightly enough so that he can not get out of it.  I think part of my fear initially was that I would have it too tight around his neck and he would suffocate while I was sleeping or at work.  Irrational, I know, but I worried nonetheless.

On Monday, August 11, when I return home from work to rewrap the bandage, I notice a piece of flesh sticking up through his chest.  You don't have to look underneath him to see it.  It is visible when I take his bandage off.  It's not very big but it's there.  I know it's the fucking tumor.  I am so disheartened but I sort of push it out of my mind.  I spary it and put the powder on it and dress it like normal.  I bandage it up.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Except that, within hours of a new bandage, the "tumor" has already seeped through and the smell is horrendous.  I try to keep the bandage on him for at least 24 hours without changing it because I somehow think this will help it to heal.  

Tuesday afternoon, I unwrap the bandage.  The "tumor" is larger and scary looking enough that I wrap him up and call the vet.  I tell her we are dealing with a whole host of issues and I need to come in and talk to someone.  I forgot to mention that several days after the surgery, Eli has lost control of both his kidneys and his bowels.  Every morning for the past several days when I come downstairs there are piles of poop and pee everywhere.  I clean it up.  When I come home from work, it's the same.  I clean it up.  Elijah is drinking excessive amounts of water and urinating more frequently than I can keep up with.  At first, I think, is this the end?  Then, I wonder if this is an after effect of the sedation during surgery.   I don't know.  He has never messed in the house except when he was a puppy.  I can't even recall him ever having diarrhea in the house.  All of these things, I need to talk to the vet about.

So, Tuesday, August 12, I load him up and off we go to see Dr. Bussey.  I tell her about his incontinence, his excessive drinking, his wound.  She unwraps his bandage slightly and is taken aback by the appearance of the "tumor."  She asks if Dr. Wright stapled this together and I said yes, this is new growth.  This literally happened between Saturday/Sunday and Monday.  At this point, she says we can either go in and debride the tumor again and try to close him back up but at the rate the tumor is growing....it hasn't even been two weeks since the surgery.  Or she can refer him to a specialist in Birmingham who may or may not be able to do anything.  And even if they can do something, how much longer will it extend his life?  Does that outweigh the trauma of another surgery.  He is ancient (almost 11 years is a long time for a lab/great dane mix) and he has lived a good long life.  The other option is euthanasia.  Of course, I am bawling.  I know all this already but I don't want it to be true.  I don't want this to be the end of Eli's chapter.  I am not ready.  I tell her I need to go home and get some clarity and I will let them know what I decide.  I think hard about the specialist in Birmingham.  I even call the vet Wednesday morning to get the number.  I don't get an answer and I never call back.   Strangely enough, after our visit Tuesday, his water consumption returns to normal and he is no longer evacuating his kidneys and bowels in the house.  So, I guess it was an after effect of the surgery after all.  Not sure.

I take him back to the vet Thursday, partly in the hopes that I will see a different doctor and they will tell me there is still hope and we still have options.  Partly because I want them to tell me point blank that it's time.  We've done all we can do.  I guess I want them to essentially make the decision for me.  But they can't and I know that.  I have decided against the specialist in Birmingham.  Mostly because, even if they could do something, I don't have the financial ability to cover the expenses.  That is the sad reality of that and I can't deny it.  I can say it's because of his age.  But the truth is, if I were able to, I would spend any amount of money even if it were for nothing.  Even if they couldn't do anything.  I would have at least tried.  But I can't.  The money is not there.  Anyway, I have made up my mind when I see Dr. Bussey.  I tell her I need more wrap for his bandage to get us through the weekend and that I'll bring him in on Monday to say goodbye.  I'd like to spend one last weekend with him.  She assures me I'm doing the right thing.  I know this on some level but I can't accept it.  Still can't.